


something that lasts forever

by lafleurasexuee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentioned Regulus Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28190454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafleurasexuee/pseuds/lafleurasexuee
Summary: Sirius is hurting & pushes Remus away. Christmas one shot !
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	something that lasts forever

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the title is from Cold December Night by Michael Bublé, I’m a cliché. Not Brit-picked but I tried. Rated for language and darkish theme. Mind the tags, description below!!
> 
> tw//  
> self-harm  
> the self harm mentioned is nail biting and it is implied that other self harm has been done in the past, shouldn’t be too triggering, lmk if it is !!
> 
> eating disorder  
> not graphic, but definitely there

It was getting bad again. 

It hadn’t gotten bad in a while, not since he’d last seen Reg. But the Christmas hols were coming up and it was the first Christmas since he’d ran away and he was scared they’d try to talk to him. 

He started noticing the signs, but ignored them because they weren’t as bad as he remembered. 

He skipped dinner? The twisting in his stomach was just superficial hunger, nothing more. 

He was biting his nails down until they bled again? School was just a bit more stressful. 

Remus had noticed, of course, and that’s how it started. 

“Pads.”

“Hm.”

“Pads, I need to talk to you.”

Sirius stopped pretending like he was doing homework and looked up at Remus with wide eyes. They were alone in the dorm, Sirius spread in the middle of their bed and Remus at the foot of it. 

“Uh, yeah, go ahead”

Remus took a deep breath. 

“Sirius, you know that if you ever need to talk to someone— I’m here.”

Sirius inhaled sharply. 

“Yep. I know that. And I’m good. I’ll tell you if I’m not.”

“That’s the thing, Sirius, you— I don’t think you are okay.”

“Yeah, well, I think I’d know if I was doing okay or not.”

Remus clenched his jaw. 

“Don’t do this, Pads.”

“Do what?”

“Blow me off. I’m your boyfriend, I’m allowed to worry about you when you’re low.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t need you to worry over me like some child.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No.”

“Fine.”

Sirius rolled out of bed, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Sirius, when was the last time you ate?”

That stopped Sirius in his tracks. 

“Uh. Lunch?”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Breakfast?”

“I said, don’t lie to me.”

“Fine, dinner yesterday. Happy?”

Remus shook his head. 

“You didn’t even— last night you didn’t even eat that much.”

“I wasn’t hungry.”

“What about today? You just weren’t hungry?”

“Yep.”

“Sirius—“

“Remus, stop!” Sirius snapped. “I don’t need you babying me. If I say I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“You’re not fucking eating, Sirius, I know the signs of when you’re getting low, and I wouldn’t be doing my job as your boyfriend if I didn’t fucking worry about you!”

“I’m fine!”

“No you’re not!”

Sirius remained silent as Remus glared at him. 

“Alright. Whatever. When you decide that you want to talk, you know where I am.”

“Fine.”

“Fine. I’m going to dinner. And I couldn’t care less if you join me or not.”

Sirius ignored the way his heart was cracking in his chest. 

“Fine.”

Remus nodded sharply and shut the door behind him. Sirius fell into bed and let his tears fall. 

~

Remus, James, and Peter came back from dinner but left Sirius alone; they seemed to sense that he was in a mood. Later, when they were getting ready for bed, Sirius rolled on his side, expecting for Remus to grumpily lay down with him. Instead, Remus slipped into his own bed, which he hadn’t used in months. Sirius tried to ignore the straining of his heart and rolled over. The tightness of his heart now matched that of his stomach. 

~

Remus and Sirius barely spoke all the way until they were standing at the platform. 

“Sirius—“ 

“What.”

“Nothing. Have a good Christmas.”

“You too.”

The words tasted bitter on Sirius’ tongue. He wanted to apologize, to beg for him to come see him at the Potters’. Instead, he swallowed the lump in his throat and went over to James to wait. 

James gave Sirius a look, but then his parents were there and they were caught up in the bustle of greetings. Sirius didn’t look back at Remus when they apparated. 

~

The first few days at the Potters’ were misery. Sirius tried and failed to force himself to eat and instead kept away in his room (previously the guest room). Mrs. Potter wheedled at him to eat, but Sirius deflected her every time. It wasn’t until Christmas Eve that James confronted him. 

“Sirius, mate, I’ve been trying to give you space to sort your shit out, but obviously that isn’t happening, so. You’re going to get rid of whatever notions you have in your head and you’re going to come downstairs with me to eat Mum’s roast.”

James stood at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, an unmovable barrier. Sirius only buried himself deeper into the bed. With a sigh, James sat on the edge of the bed and yanked the covers down. The sight before him made him curse. 

“Shit.”

Sirius sniffled. 

“It’s not that bad.”

James took in Sirius’ mangled hair, red-rimmed and sunken eyes, and protruding ribs. 

“No, Padfoot, it is that bad. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Sirius shrugged. 

“Is this about Remus?”

Another shrug. 

“Regulus? Your parents?”

Sirius flinched and buried his face in the pillow. 

“Sirius. C’mon, let’s go downstairs and get some food in you. I won’t make you talk, just eat something and drink some water. Okay?”

Sirius nodded. They went downstairs and Mr. and Mrs. Potter only smiled at Sirius, which made him feel more awful. Here he was, taking up these people’s time and space and doing absolutely nothing in return. It was a wonder they hadn’t kicked him out yet. Sirius wrapped his arms around himself and sat next to James, who served him some mashed potatoes and green beans. 

“Just try to eat a couple bites, yeah?”

Sirius nodded and James’ posture relaxed a little. 

~

After dinner, Sirius wanted nothing more than to collapse in his bed and try not to throw up what he’d forced down, but James followed him up and he knew he owed him an explanation. 

Once in his room, Sirius bit his lip and took a breath. 

“James, I’m—“

“Sirius, you—“

James let out a little huff. 

“Right. You go first.”

Sirius chewed on his lip some more. 

“I’m sorry,” he finally said in a soft voice. 

James looked absolutely taken aback. 

“Sorry? What for?”

“I’ve been nothing but a dick and a pain in the arse and you and your parents should’ve kicked me out already, but you haven’t, and I can’t even give you anything in return, I’m just using you like some—“

“Fuck, Sirius, stop.”

Sirius’ mouth snapped closed. James ran a hand through his wild hair. 

“Right. First of all, there’s nothing to apologize for. I told you you were welcome here anytime and I meant it. You don’t need to do anything to pay me or my parents back for that. And as for the rest, you’re hurting. I can see that, Mum and Dad can see that, Remus can see that.”

Sirius curled in on himself at the mention of Remus. 

“Mate, what’s going on? Please talk to me.”

Sirius stayed silent for what could’ve been seconds or minutes before finally rasping out, “I’m scared.”

“Sirius, there’s nothing to be scared of.”

For some reason, that triggered all the emotions Sirius had been suppressing. He broke. 

“I-I—“ he heaved gasping sobs. 

James sat down next to him and started rubbing his back. 

“Shh, Padfoot, it’s alright. That’s it, just let it out.”

“My-my parents and-and Reggie, I-I’m— I left him there, James, and I don’t know what to do, and he hates me, and they’re going to-going to—“

“Sirius, none of that is going to happen. You did what you had to to stay safe and you offered Regulus an out. He didn’t take it, and that’s on him. You’ve done everything you can. And your parents can’t hurt you here or at Hogwarts. You’re safe.”

“N-no, I’m— I’ll never be safe, not— Remus,” his voice broke on his name. 

“Sirius, what about Remus?”

“He-he resents me, he-he doesn’t love me, he’s left me just like everyone else and-and it’s all my fault because I couldn’t fucking—“

“Sirius, Remus is crazy in love with you. He’d do anything for you. He’s worried about you, but only because he loves you and cares about you. He’s been worried sick about you.”

Sirius looked up at him through glistening eyes. 

“R-really?”

“Yes, Sirius. Remus doesn’t resent you. He doesn’t hate you. He loves you just as much as you love him.”

That seemed to break Sirius again, for a whole other reason, and he drew his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them. 

“Fuck, Padfoot, I’m gonna floo Remus, okay?”

Sirius didn’t respond. 

“I’ll be right back,” James promised. 

Sirius sat there, trembling, for an indeterminable amount of time before the door opened again. He caught the tail end of a conversation. 

“—wrong?”

“—in here.”

Then, he felt a presence beside him and someone other than James was touching him. Sirius automatically flinched and rocked back, hitting his head on the headboard. 

“Shh, Sirius, it’s just me, okay? It’s Remus.”

Sirius blinked and looked up and sure enough, Remus was there. Remus, with his ruffled hair and freckles and jumper. Sirius whimpered. 

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. Can I touch you?”

Sirius nodded. Remus reached out and stroked his hair, pushing it out of his face. 

“Baby...”

“S-sorry,” Sirius choked out. Remus shook his head. 

“No, baby, I’m the one who’s sorry, I shouldn’t have fought with you, I should have been with you. I’m so sorry, love, I failed you.”

Sirius shook his head. 

“‘S not your fault.”

“Well, it’s not yours either, Sirius.”

Sirius sniffed. 

“Oh, love. What can I do?”

“You-you don’t hate me?”

“Baby,” Remus breathed. “No, of course not. I love you.”

Sirius gasped and fell into Remus’ arms. From the doorway, James cleared his throat. 

“I’ll, uh, be down the hall.”

“Thank you,” Remus said emphatically. 

James nodded and closed the door behind him. Remus shifted his hold on Sirius. 

“Why don’t we lie down together, hm?”

“Yes.”

Remus smiled briefly. They shifted together until they were laying down with a blanket over them, Sirius tangled up in Remus, his head on his chest. Remus kept combing his fingers through Sirius’ hair. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus asked after Sirius’ breathing calmed down. 

“Not really. Need to, though.”

Remus nodded and kissed his forehead.

“Have you eaten anything today?”

Sirius lifted a shoulder up. 

“James made me eat some mashed potatoes and green beans.”

Remus kissed his forehead again. 

“That’s amazing, baby, thank you for eating something. How long ago was this?”

“Dinner.”

“Okay, I’m not going to make you eat anything else tonight. We’ll see how you feel in the morning. Tomorrow’s Christmas, it’ll be lovely. I’ll spend the whole day with you. That sound okay?”

Sirius nodded into Remus’ chest. 

“Baby, I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Did you—“

“No. Just bit my nails.”

Remus let out a sigh. 

“Okay. Thank you for not going any further.”

Sirius nodded. 

“How about we get some sleep, hm?”

Sirius nodded again. After a moment, though, he spoke up. 

“I thought— after we fought, when you—“

Remus knew exactly what he was thinking. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I was hurt that you didn’t trust me to talk to me about why you were hurting. I wasn’t mad at you. It was an irrational choice to sleep away from you. I’m sorry.”

“‘S okay. Wasn’t that I didn’t trust you. Thought you’d laugh at me.”

“Sirius, baby, I’d never laugh at you when you’re hurting.”

“But it’s so stupid,” he whined. 

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“They don’t even give a fuck about me, and here I am, working myself into an episode thinking that they might contact me, thinking of what they might be doing to—“

“Shh, baby, it’s okay. It’s okay to still care about them. It’s going to take a while for that to go away. They were your parents for a very long time.”

“But Reggie—“

“Did you ask him to leave with you?”

“Yes,” Sirius whined. 

“Then you did everything you could.”

Sirius whimpered. 

“I’ve owled him. They always come back unopened. He either hates me or they’re blocking my owls.”

“Would it make you feel better if you sent a letter with my or James’ owls?”

“Yes.”

“Then we’ll do that tomorrow. Get some sleep, love.”

“Re?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too Pads. Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas.”


End file.
